Perhaps a couple hundred years ago, I would be able to make many assumptions about men and women with few objections. However, in our age, we may need to start further back.
In The Beginning
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
God could have created any number of sexes. He could have created anything he wanted. He had no restrictions. But he made only two, male and female. And they fill each other’s needs in an amazing way that has left many bewildered, especially today. Look at Proverbs 30:18-19:
Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.
Agur, the author of the proverb, compares the way a man with a virgin is with the ways of “an eagle in the sky,” “a serpent on a rock,” and “a ship on the high seas.” He is communicating the ensuing communication, emotion, stirring of the heart, and hopes for the future that a man bonded with a woman will experience. How wonderful it is—Indeed, humanity is the crown of creation. Such is far too wonderful for him to comprehend. We should pay attention.
What is a Man?
What does the scripture say?
I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man” (emphasis mine)
Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. (emphasis added)
Job 38:3a: Now gird up your loins like a man. (emphasis added)
What do David, Paul, and the Lord himself mean when they say to act “like a man”? Clearly, they mean all sorts of things. They mean the immediate “be strong” but they also mean a host of other things. It’s a catch-all phrase to include the many characteristics and virtues a man must have in order to act like one. To be one. Every common thinker understands what the authors are saying. An exhaustive list of what constitutes “acting” like a man is unneeded.
Some might say it’s not for a Christian to “act like a man” or “act like a woman” but instead, “act like Christ.” (Galatians 3:28) This is a false dichotomy, similar to believing in either the Bible or science. Science and the Bible do not disagree with one another, and neither does acting like a man (if you’re a man) and being Christlike. Christ did not come to change our nature, but to make it new (Revelation 21:5). For Christ established order in creation, and man was made to live according to this order, both male and female, as he created them.
To this day, we have the same saying. “Act like a man,” we tell the older boy who’s pouting, and this is good advice. If he cannot handle missing a turn on the merry-go-round, how is he to lead a family in a few short years?
Men and Women are Different
Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God.
Deuteronomy isn’t concerned with two, basically the same, people wearing different clothing. It’s getting at the uniqueness of the male and the female person. To act, behave, or wear the clothing of the other sex is an abomination. God made you who you are. Act like who you are. If you’re a male, act like a male. If you’re a female, act like a female.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.”
Paul mentions the “effeminate” here to the Corinthians. John Calvin writes, “[The effeminate are], those who, although born to occupy the place of men, unnaturally abandon themselves to women’s purposes, are stigmatized, and as if being transformed into women, give up the strength of their manhood to play the woman.”
The Lord clearly has different expectations for men and women.
To be ashamed of who God made you is to be ashamed of God, who made you. And woe to the one ashamed of God’s word. (Luke 9:26)
When we behave in a way that lacks distinction from the other sex, we are one step closer to a depraved mind. (Romans 1:26-28)
God creating woman after man, was as much to say that man was incomplete by himself (Genesis 2:18). But God did not create merely a duplicate of Adam. He created Eve, a woman. Someone like him (Genesis 2:23), and yet entirely different (1 Corinthians 11:8-9). God created a helper suitable for him. In human terms, what an understatement!
Women Perceive Things Differently
But what is a “helper”? Our culture is confused by this term today. A helper is not in charge, a helper helps the one in charge. The one in charge casts a vision for the team to follow. Or, in this case, for the family to follow.
The woman knows this deep down in her bones. Just like a man knows that if he sees a burning building, he’s going to do everything he can to preserve human life. Women know that they need to marry a man with a plan.
She’ll find it very hard to respect you if you don’t. (Ephesians 5:33)
She’s not going to ask you, “Hey, do you have a plan?” She may not even think of it that way. She probably doesn’t. Ok, I’d be very surprised if she did.
Let’s examine a specific example of how this might play out:
She might ask you instead one day, after you’ve asked her if, and where, she wants to eat, “Where do you want?” The exact wrong response would be, “Wherever you want.” You might be thinking that you don’t care where you eat and really just want to know where she wants to eat so you can take her there. But she wants to know that you’re strong enough to lead and that she can follow you. She’s not “playing games.” She’s in the midst of making the most important decision of her life and she needs to know if she can submit to your leadership. Remember, you already asked her, and she deferred. It’s time to take the lead.
You could say, “Let’s try a Mexican restaurant I’ve heard good things about right down the road.” She may, to your surprise, suddenly have an opinion and say something like, “Oh, that sounds fine, but what about the Indian restaurant close by?” At this point, under no circumstance (except for an acute refried bean allergy), do you say, “Ok, whatever.” She’s testing you, whether she even knows it or not. If you want her to learn to trust you, you better mean what you say (Matthew 5:37), and have some weight behind your words. Again, you might say, “Let’s try the Mexican first. If you enjoy it, I’ll have to take you to the Indian restaurant next time.”
“But wait,” you say, “How do I find a girl that will follow me anywhere?” Finally, we come to the point of the piece. It’s about to get extremely practical. But these are the times we’re living in. Buckle up.
Extreme Practicality
I’ve spent a good deal of time observing the gender confusion going on in our culture, and it’s not just relegated to the news, TikTok, or Southern California. There’s plenty going on in small towns across America.
One thing I’ve noticed is gait. Being an avid runner and coach, I’m not sure I can help it. Men are walking more like women, and women are walking more like men.
If you want to attract a woman, don’t walk like one. She’s not attracted to other women. She won’t tell you why, she may not even know why, but she wants a man, and a man is strong. So walk like a man.
How does a man walk? He walks in long, strong, confident strides. Assertively. He’s going somewhere. He does not walk in short, petite, wishy-washy steps. Swing your arms. Forward. Don’t put your hands on your side above your waist, fingers pointing down, like your middle-aged mom when she’s disappointed.
Straighten your back. Don’t hunch over. Look ahead, not around nervously. If someone meets your gaze, don’t look away hastily, just nod confidently. Make them feel respected.
While we’re at it, how does a man sit? Cross your ankles or raise your ankle to your other knee. Do not cross your knees. And if you unwittingly do so, definitely do not then put both your hands on your knees. Lean back with your arms out. Fight the instinct to huddle inside yourself and make your presence as small as possible. It exudes fear. Which you may have, but you don’t have to wear it on your sleeve, as if you were seeking pity.
With everything you do, you’re constantly communicating with the people around you. There’s no way around this. And women will pick up on these physical cues quite readily. They were designed to.
Be smooth – don’t be anxious. Have your own style. You are your own man, after all, forging your own path. (Ecclesiastes 9:10) But don’t act belligerent. (Matthew 6:31-33) You want people to rest in the gravity and peace your presence brings. You not only need to know what you’re doing, you need to convince at least two others – her and her father. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
Do you want a Friend or a Wife?
Working at a university for 15 years, I witnessed my share of young men who desired a wife but couldn’t quite cross that relationship line. They were either friend-zoned or fell prey to some other relational malaise. With feminine mannerisms, you may gain female friends, but you won’t find the godly wife you’re after. (Proverbs 31:10)
If I could distill it down, women are looking for one thing in a husband: a man. Acting like a woman will often get you friends. Women are usually quite amicable to effeminate men. However, she doesn’t really see you as a man – certainly not husband material. Whereas you hang on to the possibility that she may see you differently in the future, it’s unlikely she ever will. For her to do that, you’d have to stop following her around (Proverbs 7:21-22), catering to all her whims, as if she were the leader, and that would more than likely end the relationship.
The scenario I just described is becoming less true in a sense. In another sense, it’s gaining a competitor. There is a growing group of women that look for effeminate men to dominate. Women, seeking to be the man, find a weak man to manipulate and control. These are highly toxic relationships that will very likely end in divorce if they ever make it that far.
Act like a Man
The Latin word “virtus” (from which the English word “virtue” is derived) originally meant “manliness.” It is rooted in the Latin word “vir,” meaning “man.” In Roman culture, “virtus” was often associated with the qualities expected of a man, especially a soldier or a leader.
My simple advice is to begin acting like a man, even in the way you sit or walk. You may find with these first steps, acting like a man in other ways starts to become more natural, and awakens a deeper pattern of masculinity in the future. A wife and children demand it.
