Years ago, my wife and I hosted a Bible study in our home at the request of my son-in-law, Tommy. It was originally just an addendum to our regular Church teaching, where I was one of the pastors, but it soon developed into more of a marriage and family life approach, since almost everyone in the group was either newly-married or was engaged. In a fairly organic segregation of the sexes, Heidi taught the young women, and I took the young men. Our particular study was named “That Woman You Gave Me,” in a somewhat tongue-in-cheek reference to Genesis 3:12, where Adam attempts to blame his wife (and ultimately God Himself) for his sin. These were wonderful times of fellowship, teaching, and conversation, but one comment especially stood out to me.
Everybody Knows
It was early in 2016, and the SCOTUS had recently passed the famous “Obergefell” decision, the landmark, irrational ruling that legalized “gay mirage” in all 50 states. Now, responses in our local Church community ranged from absolute “Chicken Little” panic to a firm resolve to never recognize such blasphemy. During our Bible study, my son Aaron made a funny observation: “As long as there are junior high boys, there will always be two truisms—one, there will be some kind of music that’s way too abrasive and loud for their parents, and two, the phrase ‘that’s so gay’ will never be intended or taken as a compliment.” Of course we all busted out laughing, partly because of his delivery, and also because the best humor is always tied to truth—it just works that way, which is why the left can’t meme. The fact that “that’s so gay” is not a compliment is both funny and true.
In my day, as we boomers say, the ultimate junior high insult was to refer to another chum as a woman, not because we thought there was anything inherently wrong with women, but because it was so unnatural for a boy to act like one—and everybody knew that effeminacy in a man is shameful. Yes, it was used to shame him, but also to shame him into playing the man. There’s also one other important thing to note: Neither my son’s observation, nor the somewhat-puerile insults of my youth were ever done in the presence of girls—no, these were reserved for when you were in the company of other boys or other men. Even rascals like us knew that girls shouldn’t be exposed to the banter of our inner-circle—that would be inappropriate.
“Coward”
Recently, one of the contributors to ‘Christianity Today’ (which is about as… oh, never mind) replied to Florida governor Ron DeSantis with one word, “Coward.” The governor had posted something negative about Ukraine’s Zelensky and his disrespectful outbursts. This was on “X,” and there were quite a few comments, both pro and con, but one stood out from
the pack, another one-word reply: “Malakoi.” Now, the irony of the situation is just amazing, with Ron DeSantis being a literal combat veteran, and the other man’s vocation having nothing to do with genuine battle. Since this reply came from pastor Tom Ascol, a renowned theologian and a true Southern Baptist statesman, if there ever was one, the cries of consternation came in fast and furious. Pastor Ascol used a specific word that can be misunderstood, so many accused him of “hiding behind Koiné Greek,” the language of the New Testament. They argued that since many understood his comment to mean “that’s so gay,” then why not just say it? Why not admit it? Now, in my universe, any man who calls another man a coward had better be prepared to defend that statement—he must prove it beyond reasonable doubt, but if not, he must rescind it or suffer the consequences. It’s also commendable that a man would rise to defend another man’s honor, especially if the offense comes from someone who has no skin in the game. But even then, the question remains as to whether pastor Ascol’s one-word response was appropriate or not.
Nicer Than Jesus
The modern Church embraces the spirit of our age, which emphasizes the 11th commandment (“thou shalt be nice”) above the other 10, and is itself captive to the sensibilities of those who would never, ever give offense. Much like the frosted lens used in cinematography of the 70’s, a “creepy sheen of niceness” overlays much of what is considered acceptable discourse, especially when it’s coming from pastors. So when a venerable older pastor refers to another man as malakoi (the Greek word for “soft” or “effeminate”), much of the evangelical online world comes completely unhinged. They simply don’t know how to process this, aside from outbursts of disappointment, personal shock, and indignation. “I used to have such respect for you,” they cry, only to have their hopes dashed on the rocks of what they deem as inappropriate language. But is it, though? In 1 Cor. 6:9, the ESV translation mistakenly (in my opinion) conflates malakoi and arsenokoites into one word, the one which arsenokoites alone denotes, that is, a “man-bedder.”
But the word malakoi isn’t necessarily referring to a homosexual. In Matthew 11:8, Jesus is speaking about his imprisoned cousin, John the Baptist, and asks “But what did you go out (into the wilderness) to see? A man dressed in soft (malakoi) clothing?” In other words, did you expect John to be a soft, effeminate man? Of course not—that would be shameful and unfitting of a true prophet.
Remember that Jesus was known as the one Whom “a bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench,” and yet His tone towards the smug and the self-righteous was absolutely scorched-earth. Jesus was genuinely exhibiting “Christ-likeness” when He called other men “soft,” “hypocrites,” “blind guides,” or serpents, but He only did so when the situation called for that sort of treatment. He is the personification of wisdom, and He is the standard by which our words and deeds are to be measured—we must follow His example. There’s yet another consideration: In way very similar to how the word gay no longer means “light-hearted; fancy-free,” the phrase “that’s so gay” evokes an idea much closer to what malakoi expresses—it’s an umbrella term used to communicate an abnormal, creepy softness —sort of like how “clown world” expresses disdain for the whole PC universe.
The Grace of Shame
Some men choose to behave in genuinely shameful ways, and then they loudly cry “foul” when the tables are turned and they’re caught in a mess of their own making. I believe this to be the case in the current soft, effeminate world of the modern evangelical Church. I also believe that this paradigm is changing for the better, thank God, but it will be a tough row to hoe. Softness in Christianity has dug in fairly deeply, and has its roots in the mid-19th century, when thoughts of “sublime tranquility” and “pure religious sentiment” were most valued, with “the sword of the spirit…decked out with flowers and ribbons,” and all of which led inexorably to “self-indulgence and effeminacy.”*
When language is used along the lines of “coward” or “malakoi,” our first response should not be to automatically cringe and clutch our pearls, but to see if the language fits the situation or not. If there is never any room for publicly shaming someone who has publicly shamed another person themselves, then what do we do with the examples set by Elijah, Paul, or even Jesus? They understood that in the right situation, shame was a means of grace, used to expose foolishness and hopefully to drive one to repentance. If “only such a word as is good for edification” (Eph. 4:29) is applied in a wooden, overly-literal fashion, then any rebuke or admonition has been defined out of existence.
So if an older and wiser man takes you to task in a public forum and calls you a “soft man,” why take it as merely an insult? If your words or behavior elicit a “that’s so gay” response, first consider the source, but also consider the possibility that the person who said it is right, and that something’s off-kilter. Men speak directly—and most men can take it, too. If you can recognize and admit that something needs to change, then your friend or even your interlocutor on “X” saying “that’s so gay” was speaking in an absolutely appropriate way, and ultimately it was the best thing for you in that situation. Be ashamed and repent. We must stop being so gay in our responses to “that’s so gay.” “A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.” (Proverbs 17:10)
*Ann Douglas, The Feminization of American Culture, pp. 113.
