With the disintegration of the nuclear family, an ever-increasing divorce rate, routine single-parent families, and a host of external negative influences, it takes intentional parenting to withstand the onslaught of evil set against our children in today’s world. While Christian parents are fighting an uphill battle against a culture that would undermine their efforts, a strong family identity and sense of belonging can serve to strengthen and bolster our kids against a hostile world.
I am a product of a lack of family identity. The oldest of four, I became immensely depressed around nine years old. Raised in a dysfunctional home, insecurity dominated my siblings and me. I was determined to avoid escaping to alcohol or drugs out of sheer fear of being out of control. As my family disintegrated, I took advantage of a career in modeling through family contacts, but after seeing the dark side of Hollywood I decided instead to become a nurse. Due to a lack of parental involvement, I was soon assisting with abortions as a 19-year-old student nurse, trying to cope with life. I longed for a family but was also looking for God – if He existed. I prayed that He did and that He’d show me who He was.
Thankfully, at age 21, I became a Christian and my life drastically changed. Graduating from nursing school and working as an oncology specialist and public health nurse gave me numerous opportunities to observe families. Instead of the secular child development and psychiatry classes I took in school, my Bible became my foundation directing me in God’s will in family life. Marrying a wonderful seminary student also yielded even more experience in counseling and intervening in family crises. Now as a nurse, mother, grandmother, and pastor’s wife for almost 37 years, helping people work through their trials and depending on God is a normal and joyful part of my life.
The Problem
According to the latest compilation of CDC statistics in 2022 citing studies from 2016- 2019, the suicide rate has spiked dramatically in every children’s age group. 1 in 6 children in the US aged 2–8 years had a diagnosed mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder. ADHD, anxiety problems, behavior problems, and depression are the most commonly diagnosed mental disorders in children. Estimates for ever having a diagnosis among children aged 3-17 years, in 2016-19, are ADHD 9.8% (approximately 6.0 million), Anxiety 9.4% (approximately 5.8 million), Behavior problems 8.9% (approximately 5.5 million) and Depression 4.4% (approximately 2.7 million). Often these conditions commonly occur together. Adolescents aged 12-17 years have major depressive episodes, substance abuse and rapidly increasing suicides. (1) This is all before COVID. Now those numbers have grown exponentially with children commonly sent to psychiatric hospitals. In working at two psychiatric facilities myself, I found many of the treatments sadly lacking. Some treatments made problems much worse.
Never in this country’s recent history have children been so confused, benignly neglected, and exposed to so much evil. The increasing selfishness of people, causing the breakdown of the American family, leaves deep scars and insecurities among children. They are sought out by groups like “Satan Clubs,” and the LGBTQ “community” openly threatens that they’re “coming after” our children, Planned Parenthood for early and perverse sex education, and pornographic books in schools and public libraries. Additionally, the undermining of parental authority is increasingly hindering parents’ ability to be aware of unsafe environments.
The Solution
What can be done? Could a strong family identity help in bolstering the defenses against the assails of the world?
Family identity is identifying with one’s family first. This foundation of safety and security for children teaches them who they are, where they come from, and how to live. All children need these things, and if parents do not cultivate them, they will look elsewhere: peer pressure, gang involvement, exploitation by predatory adults, and whatever current lies are that promise acceptance. Family identity gives children the stability they need to feel like they belong to something bigger than just themselves – a legacy attached to their name. It includes unconditional love for each person in the family and creates an environment of safety, respect, forgiveness, and forbearance. The child feels each person has a purpose and value in the family, a place of acceptance and the ability to make a difference. He can resist the temptations around him because the bond in his family is stronger.
How is this accomplished? Scripture is full of advice on marriage and family. The nuclear family is created by God. Father, mother, and children. When those in the home follow God’s Word and plan, the family works well. When that plan is broken, so are the families. This must begin with a solid marriage. A man and woman are committed to God and the family (sometimes this requires a lower standard of living to fulfill the roles that God has laid out). There are sacrifices, but putting God’s Word in action will be rewarded. Parents striving to know and demonstrate God’s Word can demonstrate conflict resolution, forgiveness, unity in purpose, and faith in action. (Children spot hypocrisy when we aren’t even aware we are being hypocrites!)
Home should be a haven and shelter from the storms of life – a place children want to be.
There is no perfect home, family, parent or child. But we learn as we go, applying biblical principles and common sense to each situation and praying for God’s blessing, grace, and lots of wisdom!
Priorities are important. There must be time for parenting. Education is important. God calls parents to build character in their children regardless of their school environment. On the decision of school, public school is no longer a good option unless you live in an area where the schools are known to be safe and you can be involved. Private school, an improvement, can have many negative influences as well. Too many after-school activities can take up so much time that parenting cannot happen. If you can work it out in your family, homeschooling is ideal, especially for staying on top of outside influences. The purpose of homeschooling is to first build character, second, to teach academic subjects along with critical thinking skills, and third, to teach how and where to find answers in life. The goal is to equip children to become responsible adults and exemplary citizens.
How We Fostered Family Identity
We intentionally cultivated family identity through many means. We wanted hearts, not just outward conformity, and we wanted to create an environment conducive to our children becoming committed Christians. This was accomplished through time spent talking about everything. As Proverbs says, we wanted them to grow in wisdom, not stay in foolishness. Just as God has rules, we created our own “family rules” and enforced them. Biblical discipline is necessary to grow from a foolish heart to a wise one. Discipline carried out in love (not anger) was crucial.
We created cohesiveness through family traditions such as cutting down a Christmas tree together, a “harvest party” every fall (a legitimate celebration considering we kept an ½ acre garden), and going around the table at Thanksgiving expressing what we were thankful for. We took them to the family graveyards and told them stories about their relatives and their service to our country. They saw the legacy they inherited through their family. Genealogy and heritage tied them to a family to be proud of and/or learn from. We read books aloud together, had daily devotional time, and talked. From made-up bedtime stories with morals applicable to our young children’s needs to the teen years with long hours at the kitchen table past dinner to debate issues that had come up in conversation, we talked.
Traveling is a wonderful education. We saw many historical places and redeemed the travel time with flashcards, books, and games during trips to see family. We taught economics practically by giving each child the money and responsibility for finding a motel, food, and gas for the day. This helped hone their priorities and taught them the value of money. They were able to keep the surplus! We had fun. Pirate lunches, dress-up, playing outside, building tree houses, living room campouts, treasure hunts, water skiing, fishing, camping, and filming our adventures. Humor was essential!
We didn’t protect our kids from life, we taught them how to handle it. We endeavored to be intentional. Years later, I can say that we didn’t experience a “terrible twos” or “teenage rebellion” period in the ways that have now become commonplace. Those are now expected outcomes with raising children but are only recent phenomena. Now we enjoy a close relationship with all our children and their spouses. Being ‘on’ 24/7 as a parent was not easy or always convenient, but it was necessary to produce responsible adults.
The most important part of parenting was making sure to be on our knees daily, asking for wisdom and crafting an identity that made our children value being a part of our family.
You are as much serving God in looking after your own children, and training them up in God’s fear, and minding the house, and making your household a church for God, as you would be if you had been called to lead an army to battle for the Lord of hosts. – Charles Spurgeon, from The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit Sermons
