There is an epidemic in America: women who want a good husband, but can’t seem to find one. Many women have lost hope of being approached and assume they’ll wind up single. Many more have become disillusioned, claiming, “All men are bad.”
While these are two separate issues, they are not entirely unrelated. This article will tackle both. I don’t want to oversimplify the struggles, but there are some basics that seem to fly past the modern female perspective unnoticed.
There are two ditches, at least, for every straight and narrow. Resting firmly in our favorite ditch, we like to point at the one on the other side and gleefully affirm our choice. But the opposite of the idiocy of others is not our standard. Whether you march arm-in-arm with mainstream thought, or wait to see what they do so you can “oppose” it, you’re still taking their lead. You’re merely following the world.
In my complimentary article, I argued at length over the differences between man and woman, and how God created us very different. Please see that article, as I will be building on the argumentation therein.
Women Are Attractive
There is no getting around this truism. Women are attractive. And if you’re a woman, you’re probably clueless as to just how attractive you can be. To men, a beautiful woman is almost irresistible. Just ask Samson (Judges 16:17), Solomon (1 Kings 11:3), or David (2 Samuel 11:2-4).
I can already sense the objections, “But I’m not beautiful!” Let me make the bold claim: If you’re a woman, you can be. It’s true, not everyone can be a “10” objectively. But God made you for your husband, and I can almost guarantee you’ll be a 10 to him on your wedding day.
Proverbs 11:22 Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.
Here, Solomon is saying that no woman is beautiful, regardless of outward appearance, if she isn’t feminine. And, ladies, men don’t separate these as distinctly as you may think. I don’t have a study to back this up, but I’m confident of its truthfulness. If you got 100 men to grade the beauty of a woman, that same woman would drop several points if it was revealed she had a foul mouth. What changed?
Not every facet of beauty is physical. And none of the most important ones. The way you define beauty is essential, and oftentimes men and women define it differently.
Who Are You Attracting?
Many women think because they’re attracting a large volume of suitors, they have a wide variety to choose from. This is almost never true. In fact, the kind of guy they’re attracting is in surplus. Many of these same women are disappointed by the quality of men “out there.” But it’s not the quality of men out there, it’s the quality of men they’re attracting.
You might say, “I curse a lot and still get plenty of guys.” But how many have you married? Are you still single? You are not attracting a godly man worthy of marriage. You’re attracting a man who, exceptionally, doesn’t have any issue with women cursing. Or, you’re attracting a man who wants to be with you, but has no interest in marrying you. Do you want either of these options?
Put another way, the only men reacting to your bait are the ones you don’t want. It’s time to change the bait.
But I Can’t Change The Way I Look
You really can.
Maybe this is encouraging, maybe it’s not, but I’d bet my life on its truthfulness. Let’s take a grade-A farm girl, somewhat homely, typically dirty by occupation, but she works hard and smiles, and is quick to follow her husband’s lead. She takes care of herself as she has time, not completely neglecting her fairer qualities, and loves her children with a humble heart. But on her best day is only a “5” by any magazine or TV standard. That 5, to a quality man, is closer to a 9 at rock bottom. Some men reading this article are already thinking, “Ya right, she’s a 10! Where can I find one?”
Ladies, you have no idea of the power you could harness, the might you could wield, if only you obeyed the Lord, and acted like feminine women. There’s not a man on the planet that wouldn’t give his life for you, many just to make your life easier if only you were feminine.
Stop Walking Like Men
If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, watch any of the 100 new movies or TV shows with the hero girl boss who saves the world despite the weak, ignorant men on her team and in her way. It shouldn’t be a difficult task, as the last 100 movies and shows all have a hero-girl boss. Ok, 99. She walks like a man. Or, at least, she does her best. She doesn’t really walk like a man, it’s just a perverted attempt. The same as when a man attempts to walk like a woman. He’s not fooling anyone. Ladies, don’t walk like a man. It’s disgusting. And no real man is going to find it attractive.
Stop Talking Like Men
You’re not “one of the guys” no matter how badly you want to be or think you are. Men act differently when you’re around, and that’s a powerfully good thing. When a godly woman enters the room, the atmosphere changes. Men sit up straight in a show of respect, ready to answer any questions or jump at the request of assistance, with “Yes, ma’ams” all around. You don’t want to be one of the guys, so stop trying to fit in with them. This is not the same as getting along with them.
Make Yourself Available
It may seem obvious, but if you’re always holed up in your room in college, or never visit any small groups at church, or always decline when a group of singles is heading out to play volleyball, your chances of finding your husband dwindle.
This is just as true if you walk through the office without ever making eye contact. You don’t want to, as they say, “try too hard,” but just as well you don’t want to give off a haughty spirit. Someone who wouldn’t spend two seconds in a conversation with lesser people. Even if your future husband wouldn’t be intimidated, he wouldn’t be attracted either.
If you think you’re a “10,” you’re not (Proverbs 27:2). I’m not saying it’s impossible, Moses pulled it off, after all (Numbers 12:3), but it’s like walking around claiming you’re humble. As soon as you make the claim, your humility comes into question. In the same way, the liar always feels the need to explain how trustworthy he is. Men see through this. Be confident (Hebrews 13:6), not proud. And don’t be anxious (Philippians 4:6), but calm and peaceable (James 3:17). These are powerful attractors to marriageable men.
It’s possible to be holy, or set apart, yet mild and approachable at the same time.
Act Like A Woman
There’s a maxim in the field of architecture, “Form follows function.” It’s not only true for buildings. It’s how God designed male and female (1 Corinthians 11:14-15).
God made women beautiful. If you’re a woman, you not only can be beautiful, it’s a command. Femininity is beautiful. It’s why God made women feminine.
Listen to John Knox, “Woman in her greatest perfection was made to serve and obey man, not to rule and command him.” (Knox, 1558)
And Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
If the mere mention of these ideas is repulsive, you’re what Scripture calls a “loud” woman (Proverbs 7:11). The kind of woman that puts so many stickers on her car she can barely see out of the back window. The kind of woman that gets on X (Twitter) or Facebook and demands, from her mostly male audience, that they listen to her opinion and agree with it. The kind of woman that goes to church seeking a stage, instead of humility, attention instead of lowliness. The kind of woman with many piercings, tattoos, lots of makeup, or short, dyed hair (1 Peter 3:3).
You want to be seen. You want to be heard. Both counterfeits for what you really desire: to be loved. And while holding the spotlight is your sinful nature (Genesis 3:16), it’s not of Christ (James 4:1). The kind of man you’ll attract is not marriage material, if indeed you attract anyone at all.
Cultivate a heart that first submits to Christ, and he’ll give you a heart that is ready to submit to your husband’s leadership, with a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious (1 Peter 3:3-6).
