“The best things in life are the hardest things in life.”
Life is full of simple joys. For example, eating an ice cream cone. But we all know that eating an ice cream cone doesn’t bring deep joy, satisfaction, or contentment. Deeper joy is achieved by pursuing the deep things of life that bring the deepest and longest-lasting satisfaction.
The Lord made me a distance runner (as I wrote in “Running the Race of Faith”), and what I discovered is that running is a good analogy for the best things being the hardest things. Running is not easy. I have seen cross-country shirts that read, “My sport is your sport’s punishment.” Most people don’t become runners because it’s hard. It takes some discipline and toughness to put one foot in front of the other over a long distance. But those who stick with running discover that long-distance runs can actually lead to a deep-found joy. Running is satisfying. In fact, God made it so that when you run long distances certain “happy chemicals” are released in your brain, thus running makes you feel good and imparts deep satisfaction – that is, if you stick with it.
Hard Work
Marriage is much more like running than it is enjoying an ice cream cone. What couples learn after being married for a while is that marriage is hard work. I remember going through engagement and thinking that struggles in marriage only happen because certain people are just more difficult. There was something wrong with them – our marriage would be different. What was remarkable in our early years of marriage was that we always got along great. Remarkably, we went through our entire dating period, engagement, and first months of marriage without ever having any significant conflict.
When we had our first real “fight” five months into our marriage, it was a strange experience. It wasn’t until we hit real adversity that we experienced conflict on a fairly regular basis. This is when reality hit. Our life together was no longer romantic fun and “hanging out,” but going through the difficulty of life together. The words that we heard on our wedding day, “For better or for worse” now made sense. We would not escape adversity and conflict. We would have to weather them like any married couple. Why? Because though Christ has redeemed us (1 Peter 3:18), we are still sinners with a flesh needing to be put to death (Romans 8:13). Like all married couples, we became acquainted with the old saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
When a man and a woman live together, they will get under each other’s skin. Once you add children to your journey together, things get even more difficult, even with the understanding that children are a great gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Once all the intense feelings subside, true love is tested. This doesn’t mean that the feelings go away forever – we have moments where we’re reminded why we fell in love with our spouse in the first place, but the reality of marriage is that it isn’t a day-after-day journey of romantic bliss.
Conflict Resolution
In marriage, there must be an understanding of how to deal with conflict. It must resolved fairly quickly after an argument breaks out (Ephesians 4:26). I say “fairly” because we have found in our marriage that we sometimes need to “cool off” before coming back together to resolve conflict, but it must be resolved in a fairly timely manner. In resolving conflict, it is the responsibility of the husband to swallow his pride and lead the way to reconciliation (Ephesians 5:25). The husband is to confess where he went wrong because in most conflicts there is sin on both sides. Then the wife is to follow the husband’s example by also confessing her sin (Ephesians 4:32). Through this acknowledgment of wrongdoing, a desire to change, forgiveness, and reconciliation, the husband and wife become at peace between one another (Ephesians 4:1-3), the place they are supposed to be. While no marriage will avoid conflict forever, healthy marriages are those that resolve their conflicts in humility. These couples find that their marriage isn’t one big battle royale, but rather that conflict happens on rare occasions, and they have the ability to maneuver it.
Healthy, Happy
Marriages that are always in conflict are unhealthy, typically because bitterness is being cultivated from previous conflicts that were never resolved. Christians are to be willing and ready to repent and forgive. When we realize the mountain of sin that we’ve committed against God and the reality that all of this sin has been forgiven in Christ, this must make us keenly aware of our own sin and willing to forgive others (Matthew 18:23-35). Married couples need to live with this mentality in order to have a successful marriage. It’s easy to imitate Adam (Genesis 3:12) by always thinking that our spouse is the problem, but when we’re more aware of our own sins than the sins of our spouse, we avoid blame shifting and building a pattern of bitterness. Couples that learn how to resolve their conflicts not only cultivate healthy marriages but happy marriages as well.
“Bone of My Bone”
Marriage is truly God’s greatest earthly gift. Men who jump from woman to woman, and women who jump from guy to guy miss out on this great gift. In marriage, we are always learning new things about our spouse. We are always learning how to love our spouse better. This makes marriage something that’s never boring. God made it so that men and women are very different. Many of our conflicts happen because of these differences, but they also make marriage interesting – always. In some ways, my wife, Brianna, is every bit of a mystery to me as to what lies in the deepest parts of the ocean. I will never be able to figure her out completely because she is different than me, and I get to spend my whole life learning new things about her. You can imagine what Adam was like when he first was around Eve. He was so taken by this wonderful mystery before him that he was inspired to write a poem about her:
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’ Because she was taken out of man.” –Genesis 2:23
also get to see my wife blossoming into the woman that the Lord designed for her to be. I get to see her grow in every stage of life. By God’s grace, I have gotten to see her grow into a wonderful mother whom our children love dearly. Someday, if the Lord wills, I will be able to see her become a wonderful grandmother.
A Companion for Life
But those men and women who only desire a shallow relationship will miss these sweet blessings. The men and women who break the marriage covenant with their spouse by pursuing others (Malachi 2:14-16) have only a short-term thrill but ultimately are left in a place of misery (Proverbs 5:3-5). They miss out on God’s good design in marriage. But those married couples who push through hardships and conflict experience the true rewards of marriage (Proverbs 18:22). While the early years of romance are full of fond memories, the journey together through the difficulties of life is even sweeter. I have only been married a little over ten years, but I can already tell that the best part of marriage is having a companion for life.
While unbelieving marriages that stay together experience this on a surface level, believing marriages experience this on the deepest level. God’s design in marriage is that a man and woman, as they grow in their love for the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:5), grow in their love for each other. They understand what it truly means to be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This is a deep love (Ephesians 5:33) that the world knows nothing about. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong journey where deep blessing is experienced along the way. It is much more like the deep satisfaction that a minority of runners experience than the simple pleasure of an ice cream cone.
If you are in a marriage where both of you love the Lord, your marriage is a great gift (Proverbs 18:22). Your marriage is intended to be the greatest earthly gift.
By God’s grace, let’s understand, recognize, and pursue marriage according to God’s good design.
