“Established” is a word that is frequently used when family questions are discussed. Young people are advised to “establish” themselves before considering getting married and having kids. After all, how could an inexperienced, naïve, know-nothing twenty-something possibly manage the responsibilities that come with a family?
I was not “established” the morning my wife burst into the bedroom of our far-too-expensive apartment and told me that we had a baby on the way. We didn’t have a pile of cash in the bank, any college education, or several years under our belts in our respective careers. We had a couple thousand dollars in savings, an equal amount of debt, and my income as an apprentice electrical worker, plus my wife’s part-time job as a nanny.
I was thrilled to become a dad, and yet I was nervous. I was terrified that I would set my kid up for a life of nothing, sink my family into destitution, and fulfill our culture’s prophecies of doom and insolvency for families that start “too young.”
“Wait to Have Kids” – The Default Assumption
My wife and I married quite young by today’s standards. Between our dating relationship and our engagement, we’d been together for two years by the time we said our vows, but she was still only 19 while I was only 21. We got a few comments here and there about our youth, but for the most part, people in our orbit – especially our church and family circles – were very supportive of us.
Things were a little more complicated when it came to the subject of having kids. There was no doubt in our minds that we would have children – eventually. Even so, we entered marriage with the assumption that we ought to wait at least a year or two before having our first kid. It wasn’t that everyone in our life was pressuring us not to have kids right away. Thinking back on it, there was really only one person in our life who made any serious effort to persuade us against having a kid for at least a year. But the assumption that you don’t have kids right away was so baked into our culture that we both thought that was what we had to do. Especially considering my career trajectory at that time, it seemed sensible that we wouldn’t want to have a kid until I had finished my apprenticeship
Based on the assumption that we should be “established” before having children, we did what millions of other families have done; we used hormonal birth control. I won’t lay out all of the details of how that decision affected us, but suffice it to say that the effects were significant and widespread throughout many facets of our lives and marriage relationship.
A Decision Rooted in Fear
Over time, it became obvious to both of us that what had been a decision based on assumptions about what was normal and prudent was really a decision based on fear, especially for me. The real reason that I wanted us to use birth control was that I feared having a child before being sufficiently “established.” When my wife and I realized this, we quit using birth control and chose to accept God’s timing alone to determine when we would have our first child. The day my wife burst into the room waving that little pregnancy test around was about a month after that decision.
A few months later, at a get-together with several men from my church, one of the guys asked me how it felt to be expecting a child. Our pastor was there and challenged me to answer in 17 words or less since that was the limit he was taught to adhere to for sermon summaries. He was joking, but I accepted the challenge, and eventually, I came up with this:
“There’s no such thing as established. There’s only the challenge and God’s grace to face it.”
God has been teaching me that lesson over and over again ever since we quit using birth control. I’ve come to accept that there is no amount of money in the bank, no career position, no resource or circumstance of any kind that would ever be sufficient to prepare me for being a father.
The Hammer and the Anvil
Fatherhood is like an anvil, and the trials and challenges ordained by God are a hammer. Between these two forces, even an “ordinary schmuck” like me may be bent into the shape of a good father and endowed with the capacity to raise his children well. No matter the amount of wealth, health, or preparation a man may have, the hammer and anvil are the same, as is the God who wields them.
None of that is to discourage planning and preparation. Every man should do everything in his power to provide well for his family, of course. Rather, I want to encourage any man who may be feeling that he doesn’t have enough money, status, or experience to be a father.
God does not require any of those things from us to make us good fathers. Everything that is required to be a good father is written in His word. If we heed and obey, we will be good fathers to as many children as God sees fit to grant us, no matter our circumstances.
