I was at an intersection recently, observing a couple crossing the road after having just left a Dollar General. They were both carrying groceries, but I couldn’t help noticing how much less the man was carrying. The woman had more bags filled with more things that looked heavier!
Men, this is not the way.
Something else I’ve noticed is the tremendous resurgence of interest in manhood and womanhood. With this has come much error and faulty advice. While I am so glad the conversation is being had, sometimes bad direction is worse than ignorance.
Practical Advice for the Sincere Young Man
If you’re walking down the stairs, your wife should be behind you. If you’re walking up the stairs, your wife should be in front of you.
If you’re walking down the sidewalk, you should be between her and the road. If you have the kids with you, your wife should not be pushing the stroller and walking the dog while you linger behind. If a stranger is approaching, you should be between her and the potential threat, and if you’re walking in the store, she should be in the car, or at least away from your wallet. (Just kidding).
None of this is to say you’re in sin if you’re not doing this, though you may be. And please don’t hear what I’m not saying, but rather attend to what I am. I want you, men, to have a state of mind, one that says, “I’m the protector. It’s my life before hers. If anyone dies, it’s me. If anyone gets hurt, it’s me. We are not equal. She is not only more precious but more important than I am.”
“If we can only afford to feed one of us, it’s her. If we can only get one new phone, it’s for her. One vehicle? Hers. One last meatball on the stove? Hers.”
“Who gets to take a nap on the car ride home? She does. Who gets to go shopping sometimes for stuff you find trivial? She does. Who opens the car door? I do. Who walks if we run out of gas? Me.”
Why am I being so legalistic about this? I’m not. Men, she is your glory (1 Corinthians 11:7). You don’t take the most awesome thing you have and treat it poorly. You treat it like it’s the most awesome thing!
But how?
Lay Down Your Life
We are to continually lay down our lives for our wives, but the way we do this is thoroughly muddled in our society. I’ve heard a man say that staying at home while his wife works to provide for him and the children is him “sacrificing” for her.
But we don’t get to define terms however we wish. We must seek to understand what the Bible means when it tells us to lay down our lives.
If I told you, “I am sacrificing for my wife, but I need this new boat and truck, even though we’re financially strapped,” you might furrow your brow and respond with something like, “Come again?” What I claimed and what I’m doing doesn’t add up. They don’t jive. They don’t make sense.
Or, what if I told you, “My wife is a better fighter, so I sent her to war instead of me.” Perish the thought. Her seeming ability to fight, shoot a gun, or trek miles through forest or desert doesn’t remove your responsibility. And you are the protector.
If, during June, you heard the redundant phrase, “Love is love” you might agree. So would I. However, we don’t get to redefine love. God is love (1 John 4:8), and love is defined by His very essence. It’s one of his attributes. Redefining love is to attempt to redefine God himself. Blasphemy. May it never be. Love is love so long as we define it like God tells us to. Anything else is objectively not love.
So, when a man “sacrifices” for his wife by staying at home while she pursues her career to the neglect of her children, that is to totally subvert God’s plan for man and wife. Are there temporary exceptions? Sure. Are there permanent exceptions? Sure. But we’re not talking about those. So if you didn’t just get fired and aren’t quadriplegic, I’m still talking to you.
What Does the Scripture Say?
Women are to be “keepers at home” (Titus 2:5). We only struggle with what this means because it has implications for what to do, and we don’t like being told what to do (Genesis 2:17). The percentage of mothers in the United States, with children under age 18, in the workforce is over 71%. When I asked ChatGPT what that figure was in 1950 it said 23.8%. And when I asked how many there were in 1850 it only said, “The labor force participation rate for women was significantly lower than it is today, and societal norms often restricted married women, especially mothers, to domestic roles.”
The “societal norms” we have today are in stark contrast to the ones we had less than a couple hundred years ago, and for most of human history. I don’t think we needed ChatGPT to tell us that.
So, we see that men are not “sacrificing” when they stay home and order their wives to provide for them. They have defined the word incorrectly. We don’t get to do whatever it is we want to do and use flowery language to make it sound good.
We don’t get to lie and call it “strategic honesty,” manipulate and call it “clever.” We don’t get to gossip and call it “spreading the truth” or “prayer requests.” We don’t get to avoid necessary confrontation and call it “prudence.” To shirk a challenge, because it’s a challenge, and call it “wisdom.” To murder children in the womb and call it “mercy.” To dismember babies, “a choice.”
Be A Man
Men, God has told us how to sacrifice. We are priests, prophets, and kings in our households, and Christ has shown us how to fulfill these simultaneous offices. As He is our head, we are the heads of our wives. We sacrifice by doing what God told us to do, not swapping roles and making our wives the protector and provider just because the world has made her believe that’s the more weighty, and therefore desirable, assignment (2 Timothy 3:5-6). If you feel guilty for keeping your wife at home while you provide, you’ve probably fallen for this lie as well.
This masculine state of mind I’m exhorting goes beyond the physical, but nearly always begins there.
The next time you go somewhere with your wife, open the car door for her and get in the driver’s seat. Know where you’re going, and go.
You are the castle. Put the treasure inside the castle. Do not let your treasure be scattered in the streets. (Proverbs 5:16)
