In her recent book, Sextinction, Debra Soh, a researcher and former Playboy Magazine columnist, digs into recently compiled data detailing the collapse of sexual intimacy among Gen Z compared to millennials, Gen X, and the Baby Boomers. She explains how Gen Z is experiencing a lack of intimacy that may spell demographic doom for the West.
Multiple culprits for this seismic shift are identified–the rise and normalization of pornography, the crushing weight of economic realities, and even the rising availability of “sex-robots.” Ultimately, Soh lays much of the blame for Gen Z’s lower rates of sexual activity at the feet of the modern feminist movement and its resulting paradigms. Young women are starting to earn more money and achieve higher rates of education and career success compared to their male peers.
Soh has become persona non grata in many of the circles she used to frequent due to her rejection of transgenderism and much of modern feminism. She still approaches the topic of intimacy from a secular framework, though many of her conclusions are valid and biblically aligned. The true remedy for a simultaneously promiscuous and sexless society is found in the pages of Scripture: “…each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” – 1 Corinthians 7:2
Unfortunately, all the same toxic effects that are causing “sexstinction” are also wreaking havoc on many marriages, including Christian ones. A lack of marital intimacy causes a cascade of problems. Often, less frequent intimacy begins because of particular circumstances (illnesses, injury, childbirth), but becomes habitual over time. Strong marriages require frequent intimacy that is satisfying for both husband and wife.
Why Intimacy is Necessary
Qualitative data on the frequency of intimacy in marriage would have been difficult to find 20 years ago, but online forums and Facebook group discussions have made this information much easier to come by. If you ask a spouse how often they are intimate, you’re likely to be offered a list of reasons why frequent intimacy isn’t possible. Exhaustion, children, health, and interest rank among the most popular reasons for infrequent intimacy.
Dig a little deeper, and you may encounter a spirited blame game: “She’s never interested!” “He’s not romantic!” Others are quick to indict the entire opposite sex for the lack of intimacy in their own marriage. But for Christians, intimacy isn’t about finding a perfect scenario or circumstance–it’s about obedience. “Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it.” There’s only one way to “be fruitful.”
“Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” –1 Corinthians 7:5
Rather than try to excuse away the infrequency of marital intimacy, simple repentance may be in order. In 1 Corinthians 7, there is a command to “come together.” The command must be honored and obeyed. It’s also important to keep in mind that Scriptural descriptions of marital intimacy describe a beautiful gift, not a monotonous duty:
“Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. Like a loving doe and a graceful mountain goat, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.”
How beautiful and how delightful you are,
My love, with all your delights!
Your stature is like a palm tree,
And your breasts are like its clusters.
I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will grasp its fruit stalks.’
Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,
And your mouth like the best wine!
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled;”
Practical Considerations
When a marriage is strained or turbulent, intimacy is typically one of the first areas that suffers. This is why committing to frequent intimacy is so beneficial for a marriage. It requires a husband and wife to sort and solve issues of tension. When intimate, the biological and spiritual bond between man and wife is strengthened and secured.
However, like the Christians in Corinth, a married couple must weather a torrent of assaults on their physical union. Sensuality permeates every facet of modern life. Boundaries, guardrails, and fences need to be constructed and maintained, the sacred, physical bond, protected. Temptations can come in many forms, so be on guard. Paul designates frequent intimacy to be the primary safeguard against sexual sin and temptation for married people.
What is “Frequent?”
Many spouses will have a knee-jerk defense of how frequently they’re intimate. What follows is a practical consideration, not a dogmatic insistence. A man is, on average, sexually “recharged” in roughly 48 hours. This depends on a variety of factors, but we make applications for the rule, not the exception (i.e., “My husband is deployed overseas for 8 months”). We can safely say that one time a month is not “frequent.” Frequency, for most couples, should be determined by how many times a week, not a month. Obviously, there will be variation depending on the stage of life, health, and demands on each couple, but intimacy should be, at the very least, a routine part of each week, even if it must be scheduled.
Physical Considerations
Poor health often gets in the way of frequent intimacy. Pursuing good overall health and physical fitness can ensure more longevity and enjoyment for “the act of marriage.” Getting in shape physically can also aid in the confidence and energy required. Eating poorly, neglecting exercise, and increasingly, excess screen time, are all barriers to establishing consistency.
Furthermore, many couples fall into the trap of neglecting their physical appearance once they’ve “closed the deal” and gotten married. But physical attractiveness to a spouse shouldn’t end at the altar. Paul reminds us that “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” – 1 Corinthians 7:4. Maintaining physical attractiveness–specifically for your spouse–is a worthwhile factor in maintaining intimacy.
This requires transparency between husband and wife. What does she prefer? What does he prefer? Does he love it when she wears a particular dress? Does she prefer a particular haircut on him? Make concessions, compromises, and sacrifices to the delight of your spouse. This will also impact particular acts within intimacy. The goal should be to serve and cherish each other, not ourselves.
Spiritual Considerations
Finally, and most importantly, frequent intimacy will be affected by spiritual oneness. A unity in purpose will yield a greater physical unity. Praying, reading Scripture, and serving in ministry together provide spiritual alignment that can help bear the fruit of satisfying intimacy.
Even a Christian who is married to an unbeliever can establish a stronger marriage and show the love of Christ to their spouse by practicing intentional, frequent intimacy. God’s gift of physical union between a man and his wife is good. It ought to be practiced, maintained, but above all, enjoyed. Remove the obstacles, establish a routine, and thank Him for His beautiful gift.
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